So I thought it might be kind of fun to just throw out movies that I think people should watch, since I've become such a little movie junkie myself. Thought I'd share my personal favorites in no particular order.
KIDS.
Rachel Getting Married.
Slumdog Millionaire.
Dedication.
Donnie Darko.
Spun.
Nick and Norah's Infinite Playlist.
Better Luck Tomorrow.
Tae Guk Gi.
Crash.
Mean Girls.
Battle Royale.
Shutter. (The original)
The Eye. (The original)
Thursday, March 5, 2009
Friday, December 26, 2008
Speechless.
Quick side note: I'm not answering my phone right now, sorry. Sometimes, we feel things that we can't find words for. Right now, is the perfect example of that. Hurt, depressed, exhausted, disappointed. I don't even know how or if I could put how I feel into words, to get my true feelings across. But I'm going to try to fucking best. Tonight, or rather last night was just, overwhelming. So much things going on, so much things realized. I've come to realize why I don't allow myself to get too close to people, why I have this wall, a barrier around me. Why I don't talk to people, why I don't confide in others. They just up and leave anyway, so what's the point. I get close with people, I try to be a good friend, a confidante. I want to be there as much as I can for my friends, I bend over backwards a lot of the time for them. I want them to feel as if I'm a safe place to run to, when everything goes to shit. Then all of a sudden, without warning, they up and leave. They don't even know how that makes me feel. What am I supposed to think? They can't even come to me for help, for a little guidance when they're lost. They just leave, runaway. Thinking if they leave everything behind that life's going to be better, to start over new. There's no such thing as starting over new. You can run from people that cause problems, but the memories are still there. I'd rather have my friends miserable and depressed with me and other friends, than miserable, and depressed alone. I want what's best, and if I think in my honest opinion that what they're doing is the right thing for them, I'll be in their corner one hundred percent. Hell, I'll drive them to the airport myself. There's a reason I fight, a reason I say things. Running away isn't going to make life easier. Believe me. I've tried, it makes things worse if anything and when you come back home, it's going to be even worse. But of course I always roll over and run back like a puppy you just hit. I can't seem to learn how to correctly be hurt. I'd rather behurt than my friends get hurt. Yet they could care less how I feel. I just don't know what to think. Am I a bad friend, a bad person? Why do people just leave me. Am I the wrong one because I don't allow myself to get close to people? What am I doing wrong? I just don't know. I'm so lost, I'm overwhelemed. It's hard to even phathom what's going on. I don't fight for something I don't strongly believe in. Maybe I should just, smile and pretend like I could care less. Watch my friends dig their own grave, watch them put their hand on the hot stove. Because caring too much, isn't enough. So why waste time, energy and emotions. If all they do is not care about me, so why should I care about them?
Tuesday, December 16, 2008
Let's catch up.
I guess a blog is long overdue for me. I've been writing 'journal entries' in Microsoft Word Processor and saving it in a hidden folder on my laptop. But It just sits there, collecting dust. Even if no one read this, or even cares doesn't matter to me. I'm doing this for me, and no one else. However, if I help or touch even one person. I'd be overwhelmed with that too. So here is the first entry from my hidden journal:
June 19, 2008.
12:13 a.m.
I guess writing is just a little more healthy than trying to kill myself without actually pulling the trigger. You know, I’m not afraid to die, but suicide scares me. I just wish sometimes I couldn’t feel pain, heartbreak. I’ve lost everything and everyone around me. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not. What’s harder to cope with? I have no idea. I think that’s why I have such a difficult time opening up to so much people. Everyone I’ve ever trusted or loved has abandoned me. Friends, family, even my parents. I think I’ve trained myself not to love or trust. Sometimes I find myself convincing myself to love someone. I honestly don’t know if I actually love someone, or I lie to myself. It’s that bad. More times than once I imagine myself just running, and not stopping. Leaving everyone and everything behind. Lately I’ve found myself running at ungodly hours of the night. Hoping that maybe I’ll just runaway from this place. People have different ways of coping, I’ve tried everything that everyone suggests. Run, write, sleep. Typical text book bullshit. “Everything happens for a reason Jeremy”. Seriously, I’ve heard that everyday since I was about ten. From family, friends, teachers, counselors, therapists. Why? What? If everything happened for a reason, I want to know why. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? I have so many questions that no one can answer. Truthfully, without sugar coating anything. I’m aware that I’m fucked up. I had so much going for me before, but like always, I fucked it up. It’s my fault that I have this disorder, this stupid fucking handicap that took everything away from me. What did I do to deserve this? For more than half of my life, I’ve lived with it. Hiding it from the world. I don’t want special treatment from people, or weird looks, or even sympathy. I don’t want to hear “I know how you feel” because no, you don’t. I act as if nothing is wrong, so everyone believes that there isn’t anything wrong. How the hell am I supposed to be honest with people if everyone is just going to leave me. I’ve never known so many people in my life, yet feel so alone. I am alone. I need to face the facts. How can anyone understand me if I don’t understand myself? I have no reason to smile, to laugh or to live. The only thing keeping me here is the shame of dying. I can’t handle this anymore, I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I just want to go away. Have everything I’ve ever known, everyone I’ve ever known, everyone I ever thought I loved. I want all of that to just, disappear. I’m not healthy, physically or mentally. I’m hanging on a string, that’s slowly aging. It won’t be able to keep me hanging forever. It’s just a matter of time. The most I’ll be is a MySpace bulletin, some other statistic. The string holding me is breaking, and I’m running out of the strength to hold on. I know I’m not making good choices, I mean at this point in my life I should be able to tell the difference between right and wrong. But it helps me cope with everyday. Making the right choices in my life never got me anywhere, so what’s the point right? This is going to sound totally cliché, but I’ve reached my limit, and I don’t know what to do. I honestly want to see what the reason for going through all of this is. If there really is a reason. I’m curious to know what’s out there. But I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve been trying to accept that I have a disorder. But I just can’t. How am I supposed to accept something as crippling as this. I’ve lost everything to this. My family, friends, relationships, my future. All because of this disease I have. I can’t take it. I’ve lost the will to anything, include live. I’m not suicidal. But I’m not afraid anymore. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I want to dream forever. But knowing my lucky streak, it’ll turn into a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. My life. . This nightmare. I wish I could wake up.
June 19, 2008.
12:13 a.m.
I guess writing is just a little more healthy than trying to kill myself without actually pulling the trigger. You know, I’m not afraid to die, but suicide scares me. I just wish sometimes I couldn’t feel pain, heartbreak. I’ve lost everything and everyone around me. Sometimes by choice, sometimes not. What’s harder to cope with? I have no idea. I think that’s why I have such a difficult time opening up to so much people. Everyone I’ve ever trusted or loved has abandoned me. Friends, family, even my parents. I think I’ve trained myself not to love or trust. Sometimes I find myself convincing myself to love someone. I honestly don’t know if I actually love someone, or I lie to myself. It’s that bad. More times than once I imagine myself just running, and not stopping. Leaving everyone and everything behind. Lately I’ve found myself running at ungodly hours of the night. Hoping that maybe I’ll just runaway from this place. People have different ways of coping, I’ve tried everything that everyone suggests. Run, write, sleep. Typical text book bullshit. “Everything happens for a reason Jeremy”. Seriously, I’ve heard that everyday since I was about ten. From family, friends, teachers, counselors, therapists. Why? What? If everything happened for a reason, I want to know why. What did I do to deserve this? Why me? I have so many questions that no one can answer. Truthfully, without sugar coating anything. I’m aware that I’m fucked up. I had so much going for me before, but like always, I fucked it up. It’s my fault that I have this disorder, this stupid fucking handicap that took everything away from me. What did I do to deserve this? For more than half of my life, I’ve lived with it. Hiding it from the world. I don’t want special treatment from people, or weird looks, or even sympathy. I don’t want to hear “I know how you feel” because no, you don’t. I act as if nothing is wrong, so everyone believes that there isn’t anything wrong. How the hell am I supposed to be honest with people if everyone is just going to leave me. I’ve never known so many people in my life, yet feel so alone. I am alone. I need to face the facts. How can anyone understand me if I don’t understand myself? I have no reason to smile, to laugh or to live. The only thing keeping me here is the shame of dying. I can’t handle this anymore, I don’t know how to handle this anymore. I just want to go away. Have everything I’ve ever known, everyone I’ve ever known, everyone I ever thought I loved. I want all of that to just, disappear. I’m not healthy, physically or mentally. I’m hanging on a string, that’s slowly aging. It won’t be able to keep me hanging forever. It’s just a matter of time. The most I’ll be is a MySpace bulletin, some other statistic. The string holding me is breaking, and I’m running out of the strength to hold on. I know I’m not making good choices, I mean at this point in my life I should be able to tell the difference between right and wrong. But it helps me cope with everyday. Making the right choices in my life never got me anywhere, so what’s the point right? This is going to sound totally cliché, but I’ve reached my limit, and I don’t know what to do. I honestly want to see what the reason for going through all of this is. If there really is a reason. I’m curious to know what’s out there. But I don’t know how to deal with this. I’ve been trying to accept that I have a disorder. But I just can’t. How am I supposed to accept something as crippling as this. I’ve lost everything to this. My family, friends, relationships, my future. All because of this disease I have. I can’t take it. I’ve lost the will to anything, include live. I’m not suicidal. But I’m not afraid anymore. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to feel anything anymore. I want to dream forever. But knowing my lucky streak, it’ll turn into a nightmare that I can’t wake up from. My life. . This nightmare. I wish I could wake up.
Monday, December 15, 2008
Enough Jergasmic.
Hey everyone, just figured I'd branch my cyber take over to another website. I mean, MySpace and other sites that I'm on give people like, a cliffs notes view of who I am and what not. This isn't going to be 'Jergasmic', it's Jeremy Borrello. The man behind the infamous Jergasmic name. I figure I'd give people an inside view of what's going on. Let them know who I am, what's going on. I guess like, a more personal view of me. I'm aware that I'm no one special, which makes this more cool. I'm just like you, or anyone on the street. Facing the same things that you are, alright maybe not exactly the same things, but maybe this could be a place that people could come to, as sort of an escape and self help thing. I'm just starting this today, so I'm still kind of testing the waters sort of speak. I have a view things to do today, but for sure. I'll be updating when I have a chance. Stay tuned.
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