Speechless.

Quick side note: I'm not answering my phone right now, sorry. Sometimes, we feel things that we can't find words for. Right now, is the perfect example of that. Hurt, depressed, exhausted, disappointed. I don't even know how or if I could put how I feel into words, to get my true feelings across. But I'm going to try to fucking best. Tonight, or rather last night was just, overwhelming. So much things going on, so much things realized. I've come to realize why I don't allow myself to get too close to people, why I have this wall, a barrier around me. Why I don't talk to people, why I don't confide in others. They just up and leave anyway, so what's the point. I get close with people, I try to be a good friend, a confidante. I want to be there as much as I can for my friends, I bend over backwards a lot of the time for them. I want them to feel as if I'm a safe place to run to, when everything goes to shit. Then all of a sudden, without warning, they up and leave. They don't even know how that makes me feel. What am I supposed to think? They can't even come to me for help, for a little guidance when they're lost. They just leave, runaway. Thinking if they leave everything behind that life's going to be better, to start over new. There's no such thing as starting over new. You can run from people that cause problems, but the memories are still there. I'd rather have my friends miserable and depressed with me and other friends, than miserable, and depressed alone. I want what's best, and if I think in my honest opinion that what they're doing is the right thing for them, I'll be in their corner one hundred percent. Hell, I'll drive them to the airport myself. There's a reason I fight, a reason I say things. Running away isn't going to make life easier. Believe me. I've tried, it makes things worse if anything and when you come back home, it's going to be even worse. But of course I always roll over and run back like a puppy you just hit. I can't seem to learn how to correctly be hurt. I'd rather behurt than my friends get hurt. Yet they could care less how I feel. I just don't know what to think. Am I a bad friend, a bad person? Why do people just leave me. Am I the wrong one because I don't allow myself to get close to people? What am I doing wrong? I just don't know. I'm so lost, I'm overwhelemed. It's hard to even phathom what's going on. I don't fight for something I don't strongly believe in. Maybe I should just, smile and pretend like I could care less. Watch my friends dig their own grave, watch them put their hand on the hot stove. Because caring too much, isn't enough. So why waste time, energy and emotions. If all they do is not care about me, so why should I care about them?